more ouchies.

A lot is going through my mind right now and has been the last few days. I am unsure where to begin or how to approach this subject. I don't want to sound whiney. I don't want to sound ungrateful.

Ever since I can remember, I have suffered from headaches and migraines. I don't know exactly when they started, but I can distinctly remember having to call my Mom from school as early as the 3rd grade for her to come get me. I can remember vomiting in the car on the way home. I can remember what it was (orange juice and pizza!) and being in so much pain. This was commonplace for pretty much my whole childhood.

Can I just stop for a second and interject about how amazing my Mom is? I remember when I threw up that one time that it was in a shopping bag that she had brought into the car just in case I did throw up and every time since that point, when she would pick me up from school she always remembered and thought to bring something for me to throw up in. This is just how my Mom is. She is so smart - honestly one of the smartest women I know. She considers everything. For instance, I am 100% certain it would take me having my child accidentally throwing up in the car before I learned to bring a bag. It would only take one time but I would still have to have it happen to learn my lesson. My Mom is much more preemptive. She comes up with the best ideas and I am so glad I have her to look up to for mothering (and everything else!) things.

I digress.

As I grew older, I would get more headaches and migraines. I only got a migraine maybe once every month or two, but I would have a headache at least once a week. Once I hit high school, I was having migraines much more often. It was always the same routine. I would feel a headache coming on but it would very quickly get much more painful than just a "normal" headache. Nausea would set in. I would get very hot. Every little sound and light would make my head throb and stomach churn. I would have to call my Mom to come get me. Sometimes I made it home before I threw up. Sometimes I didn't. When I got home, my Mom would bring me to my room, help me get down to just a t-shirt and undies, put a fan on, turn down the air, close up my blinds and drapes, get some ice for my head, a bowl just in case, and have me lay down. Then she would sit at the end of my bed and rub my feet (my favorite thing in the world!) until I fell asleep. I would sleep a few hours, sometimes right through the night, and when I woke up, I would be 100% again.

My Mom snuck medicine in my backpack because taking something as soon as I felt bad would be the best thing. But by time I was 10, Tylenol wasn't working at all anymore. I would take 800 to 1000 mg with no effect. My Mom would get so mad with me when I called crying for her to come get me. "Why did you wait so long to call me?" or "Why did you let it get so bad?" she would ask me. She hated to see me in pain. But the thing was, I would get headaches a lot. I suffered in school with a headache most days. It was only once it became a migraine that I needed to go home and it was hard to tell when it was going to suddenly become one. If I went home every time my head hurt, I would have never graduated from high school!

As I've gotten older, they've changed. Now, sleeping doesn't get rid of them. I often have a headache for days before it goes away. Now with my headaches, I get chills and sweat like I just ran a marathon.

And now I have something I can't just sleep through and ignore until I feel better: Emmaline.

I often wondered when I was younger how having a big girl job, or a child, would be affected by my headaches and migraines. Unless people experience migraines themselves, they just don't understand how horrible they are. I have had many bosses be so angry and non-understanding when I've needed to leave work. I mean, I get they have a job to do and need workers. But I am beyond worthless with a headache! I've missed more than a fair share of classes because I couldn't walk to class without throwing up.

The past two weeks I have had a headache literally every single day. I finally went to the doctor yesterday to see if I could get some medicine adjusted but I can't help but feel... helpless. I know this is here to stay. My Grandma, Uncle, and Mom all suffer from migraines. I've been dealing with this for almost two decades. But somehow things just seem worse now with my daughter entered into the picture. What am I supposed to do when I am vomiting and so sensitive to light I have to turn her monitor around because the tiny green status light letting me know the battery is charged feels like ice picks in my eyes? How am I supposed to care for her when I can't even walk I am in so much pain? How am I supposed to be a good mother?

I know people have successfully parented through much more debilitating conditions and much worse situations. People get cancer, are homeless, lose spouses and jobs and are still able to raise healthy, wonderful children. So I don't want to sound all "woe is me." My Mom was (and still is!) an amazing mother and she, too, has suffered from headaches and migraines.

But the truth of the matter is, I am in pain a lot and I am having trouble reconciling my illness with raising my daughter and giving her all the attention she needs and deserves.