fretting.

Why, oh, why is going to bed so difficult? I have so much to do tomorrow. I need the sleep. I am going to be so ticked at myself in the morning when I am exhausted but I just can't pull myself up from this couch to go to bed. Boo.

I have been so stressed today. Patrick hasn't quite understood how much pressure I am already under and once he explained it to me, I sort of got why he was brushing me off. He said every semester I complain that my classes are so hard and I'm scared I'm going to fail and then I make straight A's. So when I came home and stressed about my projects and stuff he didn't really think much of it. But I am really, really feeling the pressure this semester. I don't know if it's because I am taking 18 hours or because I have Emmaline and Patrick's working so the responsibility of house and baby are falling more on me or because the wedding stuff is also coinciding now or if my classes are just also legitimately harder but I am, for the first time, scared.

I am scared I am going to forget to do an assignment (especially in my online class!!) or remember just the night or day before when it's essentially too late. I am scared of some of these assignments from two classes in particular.

One class we have to teach 20 minute lessons to our peers. I am fine with public speaking but there is just a lot to remember to make sure we do and I have a feeling our Professor is going to grade hard.

The other class is a technology class for teachers. Buh. I am so bad at computers and stuff, really. And we have to build a whole website among other technology-ish stuff. Here's mine so far. Aint she perty? Try not to barf on your monitor. We also have a lot of homework throughout the week which isn't bad at all but I just get nervous that I am not going to know how to do it and I don't want to forget or mess up.

I guess I am just taking my normal worry-wart self/overachiever and kicking it into high gear. Unfortunately. And it isn't doing me an ounce of good. I basically had a stomach ache all day just worrying about all the work I had to do and that almost made me miss out on all the fun Em had going to her first birthday party. She's growing up so fast, gah. She's even got another party to go to in a couple weeks! Miss Pop-u-lar!

Here she is playing with her baby friends:

And here is a video of her eating her big girl snackies:

I know what you must be thinking: "Get off your blog and go do homework. Stop whining and do something about it!" And I will. I just need to express myself, alright? ha. But really. I needed to get this off my chest and share a cute lil picture and video with you.

Maybe now I can go to sleep!

big.

My baby is growing and it's... good, I guess. Good in that she is learning and developing and becoming a smart little girl. But bad because it makes me a little sad to know my little baby is fading.

We took Emmaline to the park because I've been dying to get her into a swing. Patrick really dragged his feet about the whole thing because he (and I quote) "doesn't like parks." Who doesn't like parks? haha. Anyway, I talked him into it and we ended up having a really great time. The park is on the site of an old Union fort from the Civil War so in addition to the playground (and lots of other nice amenities, I might add) they have some awesome trails through the woods with signs and artifacts from the war. Um, yes! Patrick and I took Em in her stroller for a long, brisk walk and it was so much fun. Sweet baby even fell asleep during her ride.

Anyway, I got some video of Em in her first swing ride! She wasn't so sure at first but then she kinda warmed up to it.

pictures.

Been a while since I have posted. Many apologies since, I am sure, the masses were clamoring for an entry from me.

Since I last posted, Pookie and I successfully lasted 5 whole days and nights without our Daddy. He needed to go home to his parents' house to do some work and I decided to go to my parents' house. I didn't really want to be left completely alone for a whole week and we have been to his parents' house a lot more this summer than mine so I decided to go there and spend some time. I was thankful for their help and willingness to put up with a crying baby all week... but it was so nice to get back to our own home with our Daddy!

Which reminds me... special shoutout to Aunt-of-the-Week, Sassy, for forfeiting her room for an entire week so Emmaline and I could set up camp. That was an enormously sweet thing to do for us and we really appreciate it!

I know I have said this before, perhaps not in the blawgg, but for sure in real life, but I am so unbelievably grateful for Patrick. I am so lucky to have my family who adores Emmaline and helps me in any way they can, but nothing beats the team Patrick and I make together. Although nothing really ever goes the way we plan, we have our routine and get things done seamlessly... sometimes without even talking. We just know each other so well.

I think it's worth mentioning, you know, Patrick and I didn't plan to have Emmaline now. Although neither one of us can imagine our lives without her now, there was a very real time when the thought of having this baby was utterly frightening. And Patrick stuck around. He never wavered, never questioned, never faltered, never backed down, and never chickened out. I know this is how a "real man" should act but that isn't always the case with unwed 19-year old guys. But Patrick has done anything and everything I could have ever hoped my partner in life and father of my child would do. I am so in love with him.

Are you bored of the mushy-gushy stuff? Ha.

Too bad; there's more mush!

Today we took Emmaline to get her 3 month photos taken. I wasn't sure how it would all work out. I know my girl well enough to know that it could be hit or miss with her mood. We decided to wait until she had napped a good, solid nap and eaten before we would try and take her out. This ended up happening around 3p. So we put her in her adorable little dress that her Nana Marie got her, the hugest bib she had, a burp cloth, and a blanket over the whole thing for good measure! Can you believe she kept her dress clean for us? Yay!

We went to Sears and the lady who helped us was wonderful. Seriously. She was so patient with Emmaline. She didn't even bat an eyelash and told us to take our time when Emmaline decided the beginning of her photo shoot was the perfect time for a poop. And she got down on her hands and knees and made the goofiest noises in the world to get my baby to look and smile. I secretly hoped for (but wasn't expecting) some wonderful shots of her smiling and we got some!

And the photos turned out amazing! (If I do say so myself...)







After we saw the photos, I just couldn't stop cuddling and kissing Emmaline. I was so proud of her! She was in the perfect mood and took the most beautiful photos. I really couldn't have asked for anything more (cheaper photo packages, maybe?) and I am so happy we have these precious photos to remember how perfect and adorable she was at just 3 months old.

scary.

Today ended up being a good day that started out terrible.

Patrick had to work this morning at 3am. Blah. I always miss him when he has to go in at such yucky hours. Well, I always miss him when he's gone but I especially miss him at those times. I remember him kissing me goodbye around 2:30a. The next thing I know, Emmaline is starting to cry over her monitor. Usually, she fusses for a second and kinda rolls around and I can go put some breast milk into a container of hot water to heat up for her bottle (so it's ready once we're done changing her diaper) and then go in and get her. Well, this morning she cried out for a second and then started screaming. I ran into her room and turned on the light and looked into her crib and couldn't see her... she had slid herself into her swaddled up blanket and her face was completely covered. I grabbed at any part of the blanket I could get and just ripped it open until I got to her. The poor thing was all red and so, so upset. I just held her and calmed her down. I was so shaken up. I know it probably doesn't sound like a big deal to most people but it scared me so bad. What if she hadn't been able to cry out for me? What if I hadn't heard her? I am so proud of her for being able to alert me. I shudder to think what could have happened.

Of course, I didn't want to stop holding her today because I was just scared about this morning. Luckily, she wasn't at all tired after her feeding so we just played all morning. She loves, loves, loves her bouncer now. She just sits there and bats at and grabs her toy chain hanging down from it. I also sat her in my lap and we watched Elmo and Zoey on some Sesame Street videos online. She seemed to like it; it held her attention for quite a few minutes. She's getting to be such a big girl.

We did manage to get a 3-hour nap in though today! It was great... except I kept dreaming she was drowning. I am sure it was just from this morning's incident but when I woke up from my nap, I felt horrible. There's nothing relaxing or satisfying about waking up from a nap where you repeatedly dreamed your baby has a horrible accident.

After our nap, Patrick and I took Emmaline down to the library and we got new library cards. You know you're a nerd when that's the most exciting thing you do all day, ha! We checked out some books (even rented a Sesame Street DVD for Emmaline!) and then walked around the square downtown for a while. When we came home, I sat and played with Emmaline for a while. She is so much fun now. I mean, she's always been so sweet and special... but she just kind of sat there and cried. Now, she is starting to cry less and less and is actually content just sitting places. It's wonderful. I can sit her down and talk to her and play with her but when I need to go to the bathroom or get a drink, I know she will be OK to entertain herself for a minute or two. I am so proud of her. She is so smart and so sweet. This is definitely the point I was kind of waiting for... Every day she learns to do something new or shows us some new trick of hers. I can't believe how exciting it is to watch her grow and see the curiosity in her eyes and the joy she gets when she discovers something.

Right now Pookie is fast asleep in her crib which she has consistently been doing for a couple of weeks now. Every week or so she goes a little longer before waking up for her next feeding. Last night she went 9 1/2 hours before she woke up for her bottle. It's really, really great.

I love my little girl more than anything in the world but that doesn't mean I don't wanna get some shut eye every now and then :)

My sweet girl enjoying her bouncer!

honesty.

Yesterday I had a mini, 5-minute breakdown.

It has crossed my mind before and people have jokingly brought it up, too. But yesterday it really hit me how much things have changed.

Patrick and I were planning to come to his parents' house for the holiday weekend. We decided to come a few days early to help get things ready because a lot of family will be here this weekend (upwards of 16-ish people!). Patrick and I kind of discussed when we'd like to leave by and I got up to start the packing process.

And that's when it hit me -- like a ton of bricks -- what a process this really is. An ordeal. A big todo.

I would have to make sure every single thing of Emmaline's is cleaned. Granted, the girl has a lot of clothes, but not enough that we can get by for five days (or even two) without repeating her clothes. And, yes, we can do laundry here. But still she only has so many bibs, burp clothes, and blankets because those things all get spit up on and I will not reuse something with baby goo on it. (That's not fair to Emmaline. Just because she can't tell the difference doesn't mean she should have to sit and sleep in gross stuff).

Then I have to clean all her bottles. But keep in mind, she still has to eat while we're getting all this stuff ready. So, inevitably there will be last-minute bottle cleaning and packing.

I have to get all her "gear" packed -- the things we've grown accustomed to using, the things she likes, the things her Nana wants to see her play with, etc. So that means packing up: pacifiers, diapers, wipes, blankets (for swaddling, cuddling, and tummy time), bumpo chair, pack 'n' play, diaper bags... Am I forgetting anything? Probably.

Oh, and although I pump milk for her, we also supplement some bottles with formula (lately) so that 1] my milk will go farther and I can freeze some for once I stop pumping in August, 2] she stays fuller a little longer and 3] we could practice and find a formula she likes before she has to be on it. So I need to make sure we bring formula for Nana's and for the road. But of course we are about out. So once we get to Nana's I will have to make a trip to WalMart.

Now, we are almost ready to go. Since we will be in the car for roughly 4 hours, I need to pump now so I will be good the whole car ride. (I try to pump every 4 to 5 hours.)So I get all my pumping done which takes about 20 minutes. And then I need to wash all of my pumping pieces and bag the milk. Now that it's all clean, I can finally pack all my pumping pieces (pump, shields, bottles, hoses, attachment, bags, breast pads, and sharpie to write dates/times/amounts).

And now Emmaline is ready to eat. So this requires stopping to make a bottle, feed her, burp her, change her diaper (and likely her spit up on outfit)and put her back in the carseat to go. Oh, and now I have to clean her bottle and re-pack it.

Are we finally ready to go? No, we need to pack our things. This means hastily throwing the first 2 pairs of shorts and 5 t-shirts we find into a duffel bag and grabbing our toothbrushes. Because honestly, I can't fit into any of my cute clothes anyway so there's no point in working out "oufits" or really putting much effort into it.

As we are just about ready to go now, we can get the milk ready. We have to get all my bags of milk and freezer packs to keep them chilled.

Now we can go. And, of course, Emmaline is quiet and content in the car... for about 5 minutes. Then she starts cooing. And then whining. And then crying. So, I climb in the backseat and play with her and talk to her until she falls asleep. And if you know me at all, you know how I loathe the backseat, just despise sitting back there. Aaron and I would fight literally every time we went somewhere as children over who got to sit in the front seat and, I'm a little embarrassed to admit, Mom usually let me have it. I think this is because she'd rather jip Aaron than listen to me whine the whole time.

The rest of the trip is a balance of trying to be comfortable and still a "normal" person (i.e. talk to my fiance at some point during a 3 hour car ride) with not disturbing an almost asleep baby so she's not screaming.

Are you exhausted just from reading this? Whew.

I knew this was how it was going to be. It's like this every weekend we try and go home to one of our parents' houses. We want to get out and do things. We want to be normal, social people. We want people to see Emmaline. But it is so hard to do things with her.

And I'm going to be honest... I hate it. I'm a little tired of it. I wish it were easier. This is why I had a mini, 5-minute breakdown.

I remember one time last year when Patrick's Mom called him and said she would be starting dialysis. He was really worried about her. It was about 2 in the morning and we were still up hanging out and he said he really wanted to be there the next morning for her when she went for her first time. So, we just looked at each other and I said, "Let's go!" We packed up some clothes in a bag, grabbed a Red Bull, and we were on the road. Just like that...

Now, a trip (even to the grocery store!) requires planning, logistics. We have to work around Emmaline's schedule. We have to weigh whether stopping to pee is worth the possibilty it will wake the baby up. We can't stop for a impromptu mall trip on the way.

I am not saying I would give up Emmaline for any of that stuff. She's my everything. She's perfect. I'm just saying I had to stop and cry for a couple of minutes yesterday and get things off my chest to Patrick.

But we're here now and my angel is peacefully sleeping in her pack 'n' play and she has a happy Nana who is getting to hold her and love on her. And I am grateful for not only my sweet baby girl but also for my wonderful partner in crime who lets me have my mini, 5-minute breakdowns whenever I need them.

smiles.

Today was a lovely day. Patrick and I decided we'd like to borrow my Mom's pretty new van to take when we go out of town this weekend for a wedding. It's inevitable that I will be forced to sit in the back with the baby at some (or all) point(s) on the way to the destination and sitting back there with her is significantly less terrible in a van than it would be in a sedan. The car switch-a-roo would take place at my Mother's work, a rehabilitation facility for the elderly. It's essentially a place to go when they are not quite ill enough to be in a hospital but not well enough to go home, either. My Mom's a nurse, and a damn fine one at that.

Of course, we had to bring the baby in to see Granny. Can you believe my mother wants to be called Granny? I envision a "Granny" as the anciently old people my mom is taking care of... not her herself! But I digress. It's ultimately Emmaline's decision, anyway! So, we brought the baby in and Mom was just so excited to show her off. "Well, let me just show her to so-and-so. Oh, and I'm sure blank will want to see her too... Let's just walk by such-and-such's office and see if they're there." I knew Emmaline needed to be fed - she was sucking on her fingers like it was going out of style tomorrow! - but Mom was not quite getting the hint. Actually, if I know my Mom at all, she totally got the hint; she just didn't care! ha.

Anyway, Mom snuck us into an empty room and, despite having about 7 oz of breastmilk chilled in the diaper bag, I opted to breastfeed her. It's the first time I've tried doing it outside of the house (aside from when we tried at the hospital when she was first born, of course). She did great! She ate until she was full and then Daddy changed her poop diaper right there on the conference table! We got the van and headed over to Green Hills because Patrick's never been. After lunch, and a leisurely stroll through Whole Foods, the Pookie started fussing and I could tell she was hungry. I asked Patrick if he would be uncomfortable with me nursing her in the store and he said as long as I was OK with it, then he was too. So we found a nice sofa in the cafe section off to the side with a wall behind me and I nursed Emmaline right there with a cover. Despite thinking to ask Patrick if he was alright with the public nursing, it didn't even occur to me that it might bother other people in the store. It's likely because it didn't matter to me, either, ha. But no one said anything to me or even batted an eye. I figure if I'm going to get away with public nursing, the hippies at Whole Foods are probably the last group of people who'd say anything.

I am so glad I tried nursing one last time. I know Emmaline was getting all the benefits of breastmilk just the same with me pumping, saving, and bottle-feeding it to her later, but there is just something inherently special about the act of nursing your child. As I was telling Patrick and my Mom, there's really no way to explain it without sounding either perverted or cheesy... but it really is an amazing bonding experience. I like watching her while she nurses because she looks so content and peaceful. She gets this drunk, drowsy look on her face and she puts her little hands on my chest and I know she knows "This is my Mamma... and she's feeding me!"

Every day brings new, fun things that Emmaline does. To an outsider, it probably seems intensely mundane but you wouldn't believe the excitement it brings Patrick and me. Today Patrick got to see her roll over for the first time. She's done it four times now! It was awesome. We were both sitting there playing with her on the floor and bam! she was stunned looking up at the ceiling. My new favorite thing she does is when she's been sleeping or playing by herself for a few minutes and I come talk to her. She looks at me and then I can see it in her eyes that she recognizes my face and voice and she just starts smiling like crazy. She flares her little nostrils when she's really happy too!

Tomorrow we are going to see Patrick's parents and go to a wedding. I can't wait to for her Nana and Papa to see how much she's grown and changed in the three weeks it's been since they've seen her.