break.

Well it's nearly midnight in the middle of my last Spring Break as a college student (hopefully!). And while I'm not participating in any wet t-shirt contests, letting strange males drink liquor from my navel or flashing strangers for "Girls Gone Wild!" I am enjoying the break nonetheless. Crazy, huh? :)

I am trying to get caught up, or ahead I suppose, on my schoolwork but Emmaline and her newfound talent of climbing are not really letting me do too much of that. It's ok though. I am doing a little here and there. My Dad has been awesome and came a couple hours on Tuesday even though he technically wasn't needed at all so I could go to the library and study . I have to take my Praxis on Saturday and I am so nervous. He's coming again tomorrow so I can study ALL day and I need it! I studied the PLT part (teacher stuff) on Tuesday so I will review a little of that but I mostly want to focus on the history part tomorrow. The history Praxis exam covers everything from the the beginning of time up to now so there is a lot to study!

Other than that, my grades in class seem to be ok. I have only made one B so far (the rest all A's) and from what I could see of everyone else's papers, I think I was pretty lucky to get that. He seemed so easygoing the whole semester and then we had this paper and it was like BAM! evil professor. I know I shouldn't be complacent but I will still be happy if I pull out a B in that class. I would love to have all A's but it's English and I have never had an issue getting A's on papers and if he wasn't satisfied then I really don't know what more I could have done. I did all the readings I was supposed to do, have been to every single class on time, contribute to the class discussions and wrote a standard Naomi paper. So, I am trying to be reasonable here and accept that I will probably not be able to please him. Although, I do think I scored brownie points in the last class meeting because I knew what a comma splice was and what the past participle of "lie" is (it's "lain").

But life is going well. I am so enjoying being married. I love the security of knowing Patrick is ours forever. I always believed and trusted him before but there is something about going through the whole ceremony that just makes it official; it was the everlasting icing on our lifetime cake :) I am still tickled to call him "my husband." And he really is the best husband and Daddy. I don't know how or why I got so blessed. I really don't. I pray my sisters and Emmaline wait until a man like Patrick comes along and finds them because they deserve nothing less than the love, joy, security, comfort and peace a relationship like this can bring.

Well, I need to get back to homework. It's late but I am not ready for bed yet. I am such a party animal...

day 15.

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

Travel the world... preferably with my honey :)

See Japanese castles...

and huge Japansese cities...

Relax in a bungalow on the shores of Fiji

Travel the landscape of England

day 14.

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.

My husband, Patrick :)

He's my best friend!

The best Daddy!

And a handsome stud, too!

And I love him so much! I don't know what me or Em would do without him!

day 8.

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.

Patrick annoyed with me because I was making our Halloween costumes at midnight the night before... haha

But they turned out pretty great for being made out of Goodwill sheets and a dress and put together with a hot glue gun!

day 7.

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.

My engagement ring :)

It symbolizes the decision Patrick made to ask me to be his wife.

And the decision I made to accept.

I can't wait to join my wedding band with it (5 days!).

day 6.

Day 06 - A picture of a person you’d love to trade places with for a day.

This was kind of hard at first because I love my life; I wouldn't ever want to leave it behind and take someone else's! But if I could go here for a day... or week... I think I would be a very happy Naomi, especially if I had my sweet Patty next to me and Emmaline napping in a cool bungalow.

phone.

My little girl is all grown up. tear...

But no really! She's getting so big and so smart and so beautiful by the minute! She cut her right middle top tooth today and I think the left one will cut tomorrow! Patrick gave her a spoon tonight with baby food on and turned it around for her and she put it in her mouth all by herself! She did this about 3 or 4 times! We were so amazed! haha Also, when I was playing with her and hiding my phone, she knew exactly where to go and get it. She completely understands that just because she can't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist anymore! That's a huge milestone for infants!

Alright y'all, I'm gonna share a video with you but you have to promise not call CPS on me. Deal? hehe

heavy.

It's that time of the year again. Fed Ex and UPS men are visiting my door daily with school books ordered cheaply (and smartly, if I do say so myself) off Amazon. I'm making tuna fish sandwiches to pack in my lunch (yes, I'm that girl who busts out the fishy sandwich in class). And every Tuesday and Thursday I have to say goodbye to my sweet baby and get my learnin' on.

It hasn't been too bad so far. I am taking 18 hours this semester and I was pretty nervous about it. But... it has to be done. I want to graduate. It's time. With Patrick working downtown at the Legislature Monday through Friday, I wasn't exactly sure how childcare was going to work with Em. But I didn't want Patrick to miss out on that opportunity. I knew it was important to him and a good experience to have. Luckily, we have wonderful family. My Dad's job is super flexible and he is able (and willing!) to drive an hour and fifteen minutes out here twice a week to watch Emmaline for us. How amazing is that? We are so fortunate to not have to put her in daycare and she gets to spend quality time with a grandparent. And she loves her Miyagi (her name for him!).

Speaking of Em, she is so fun these days. She is always up to something silly. When she's playing on the floor with her toys, she likes to roll around and scoot until she's stuck under the futon on her belly facing out. It's quite remarkable that she can get into that position considering she still can't crawl yet. However, she can't get out of it! So Mamma has to come over there and pull her out. She still only says "DaDa" despite me working very hard for that "MaMa!" I will have her in my lap and tell her "MA...MA.." and she'll look at my lips very closely and concentrate for a minute and stare and then slowly say "Da..Da.." haha. I have to laugh.

Wedding planning is coming along. It's in exactly a month! It turns out the reception site which burned down a week ago and we initially thought would be repaired in time won't be ready for our day so now we are scrambling to find an alternative. This is the part I really don't like. But I know we have to make a decision. We are going to look at a place on Saturday and we have a couple other options as well. Invitations went out today. We had to hold off because we weren't sure whether we were moving the wedding site, or date and finally we just decided to send them and if we need to change something later we will. Honestly, I just want to be married! I want it to be beautiful and to show our guests a good time, but the most important thing to me is that we are officially married. I just love him so much!

Here is a picture of Em getting stuck!

And a favorite one of mine she recently mugged for...

godliness.

This has been an interesting semester and while, technically, I still have some more things to finish up, it is almost finished. Today was the last day of classes and I have three finals next week.

Just about there.

I have enjoyed my classes a lot more than I thought I was going to. Actually, this whole semester has turned out better than I thought it was going to. I was so unsure about even going back to school after having Emmaline. I was sad about leaving her all day (even if it was just with Patrick). I didn't know if I could handle being a Mom, keeping the house, and taking 15 hours. I wasn't sure how much more I had left to graduate, what requirements I needed to fulfill, what tests I needed to take, etc. I was scared about getting my work done but having enough time to spend with my daughter. I was worried about neglecting Patrick.

But honestly, everything has worked out really well. I am so grateful Patrick and I were able to stagger our schedules so that we could both go to school full time but Emmaline would always be home with one of us. I just could not do daycare. I am not in any way bashing it, by the way! I am just so uptight and anxious I literally don't think my health could stand me leaving her (as insane as that sounds... Did I just admit that for the world to see?) I trust Patrick with everything I have and I still get nervous leaving her. Hell, I worry about her when she's sitting right in front of me. So, this was the best way to ease me back into school.

My classes were challenging enough to keep my attention but not so hard I was drowning in work. I learned that if I take 18 hours in the Spring (eek!) and 2 Summer classes followed by my Fall semester of student teaching, I will be graduating a semester earlier than I thought I would be! So that's the plan for now.

One thing I noticed, which I don't know if it's a coincidence or forced, but a lot of what I learned this semester has really made me go home and think about my own life. One class in particular really got to me. I just finished up a Women and the Law class which deals, basically, with how the Constitution treats Women's Rights in the United States. We talked about a lot of things ranging from sexual harassment in the workplace, to domestic violence, to prostitution, to abortion. My professor would give us these statistics and then we would learn about real people and their real cases. And I always flashed back to my daughter.

I have a huge responsibility.

Because somewhere along the way, these poor women I was learning about, they got lost. Someone let them down. We learned about 11-year old prostitutes. I read cases of women who felt they had to perform sexual acts to keep their jobs. We had to learn the history and rationalization for abortion and why teenagers shouldn't have to tell their parents. Every day I heard story after story after story of just heartbreaking stuff that I was so lucky I never had to deal with in my life and I want to protect my daughter from as well. And I would get panicky because I've got to teach Emmaline today that she is worth something, that she is loved, that she is important and special and beautiful and God's special gift.

I guess I just wondered how that happens -- how these girls get forgotten. When I got home from class today and I saw my beautiful girl smiling up at me when I walked in the door, my heart just oozed with all the love I have for her. Every day it multiplies. I can't explain it. My mind couldn't compose an eloquent or articulate enough sentence for someone to understand how much that little girl means to me. And I just don't think I could ever stop feeling this way for her.

I want to be the best Mommy I can be to Emmaline. I really do. I just pray that what Patrick and I are doing is Right and Good because we have this huge job ahead of us to grow her into a Godly young woman. And, I don't know, you just look at this perfect baby who is sinless and innocent and you don't want anything bad to ever happen to her. I know I can't protect her from everything in the big bad world. But I want to do my best to prepare her for what's out there.

finally.

Well, it has been a while since I have gotten around to writing on here. I completely bailed on that 30-Day Challenge. Turns out the topics were horrifically boring to write about. Anyway, I am back and ready to entertain the masses. I totally kind of got this idea from my sweet friend, Sarah, and have been mulling over it for a few days.

Hope she doesn't mind the plug. She may be inundated with visitors since I am known for my high traffic. hehe. jk.

Anyway, it is so funny how when we first bring home these babies we look at them and think, "Ok, now what?!" We have read, and researched, and googled, and prayed, and interviewed, and practiced, and just about everything a future parent thinks of to prepare for their baby. And then it comes. And you're scared to death! Well, at least I was anyway.

I remember being terrified she wasn't eating enough. Then scared she wasn't warm enough. Then worried about taking her out all by myself. And on and on and on. Now I am a pro at all of those things. I am an expert.*

*Disclaimer: Expert at being a Mom to 7 1/2 month old Emmaline.

Hindsight is always 20/20 and my baby is completely different from yours and from any future ones I may have. However, I decided to gather up some of my "vast" knowledge from the past 7 months because 1] I really do feel like I have come so far, 2] I always LOVE getting feedback from my other Mommy friends and 3] things are so amazing right now, this is almost my cheesy "Thanks"giving blog. Almost...

The "Good's" in my life

Good Tips, Good Equipment, etc

• Mommy Friends: Seriously. Out of nowhere, a bunch of us got pregnant around the same time and it was such a blessing to have other women to bounce ideas off of. They were amazing for support, ideas, advice, laughter, and just to talk to! I have gone out with some Mommy friends and trust me, no one understands the trials and tribulations of traveling with an infant like another Mommy :) I love looking at pictures of their babies and hearing about their milestones. We share tips on sales on diapers and baby food. Another thing I like is that as many of us as there are, we all raise our babies different too and we all respect that. No one judges. We don't go off if someone isn't breastfeeding or if someone uses a paci or goes back to work or wants to make their own baby food. We share our stories and discuss the pros and cons and it really is great. I love my Mommy friends!
• BabyLegs: One of my favorite finds for Emmaline. I love putting these on her when she's playing around the house. Pop on a onesie and a cute pair of leg warmers and you're good to go! Baby stays warm, no rug burns, and it makes diaper changes easy too!
• Tommee Tippee: Best bottles! Emmaline was so picky when it came to her bottles. She got used to the special needs feeder they gave her at the hospital and then once she outgrew 45 oz. we had to go scrambling for something she would drink out of. We found these and love them! And now we are working on using their sippee cups too. I hope she likes them!
• BabySteals.com: Such a fun way to save some money! Twice a day - at 10a and 10p central, they have one different product available for a "steal" usually at least 50% off. They are usually also luxury items made of high quality material. Ooohlala. It's fun waiting to see every day what the steal-of-the-day is going to be. I haven't bought but one or two things off of there mostly because Emmaline doesn't really need much but they have incredibly fast shipping. It's from Utah and I think it only took a day!
• Dr. Derek Johnson: We love our pediatrician. We didn't go about picking him out the "right" way. I know you're supposed to research and ask friends and interview potential doctors. But Emmaline came almost 5 1/2 weeks early so I wasn't really to that point yet. He was the pediatrician on staff at the hospital the morning she was born so I just found his office when we were discharged and made an appointment. When Patrick and I went to see him, we both knew he was "the one." haha. He was this huge black guy and picked up our tiny 5 lb baby and cooed at her and played with her like no one was looking. It was adorable. He was straightforward. He didn't beat around the bush at all. He made fun of my list of questions. What sealed the deal? He knew what Patrick's Triumph shirt meant (It's a motorcycle company) because he rides too. Patrick probably wanted to date him. Basically, we felt so comfortable with him. Also, his nurses are GREAT! They are so wonderful with Emmaline. They make the whole shots thing as quick and painless as it can possible be and they have the best attitudes!
• Swing: Eeeek, Emmaline sleeps like a champ at night in her crib but she will not nap during the day unless she is napping with Mamma on the couch or in her swing! So thank goodness her Granny and Miyagi got this for her!
• Pictures: I won't even attempt to find a page for my camera because it's so ancient but it gets the job done. I am trying to remember to take a million pictures because you have to admit, she's awfully cute. I like to try and capture everything. I might try too hard. But I just know we're going to forget all these little things, and perhaps even some of the big things too, and that makes me so sad. I want to remember how very happy we all were right now and how beautiful and perfect she always is.
• Reading/Talking: I try to read to Emmaline as much as I can but I know I could be better about it. We signed her up for the Dolly Parton Imagination Library so Emmaline gets a free book every month until she turns 5. How amazing is that? Every parent in TN needs to do this for their baby! Anyway, I know she loves when her Daddy reads to her because of his deep voice. She's always loved it - even when she was in my belly still. But I also talk to her all day long, constantly. I know this is good for her because we've talked about it in some of my education classes. It just helps the child understand language as a whole better: rhythm, inflection, facial expressions, etc. And if you've been around her, you know she loves to yak!
• Friends: We have a great group of friends. They have supported Patrick and me throughout this whole pregnancy and if they every judged us or were disappointed, they never let it show. They never lectured us or turned their backs on us. They love Emmaline to pieces and shower her with attention. Whenever someone comes over, I think Patrick and I barely get a hi before they're down on the floor playing with her. This means so much to me. When you love my baby and show my baby affection, you are loving me. My friends give me "adult time" (though I sometimes question how much more mature they are than Emmaline, haha) when I am only around a baby for so long. My best friend, Emily, makes me feel like a queen. I can't explain it. She just loves me so much. And Jane and Meredith are such cute little girly-girls. Love them!
• Patrick: Probably the most important thing on this earth right now in helping me get through every day. Where do I even begin? Every woman needs their own version of a Patrick. Every wife needs one. Every Mom needs one. I couldn't even imagine going at this alone. Yeah, sometimes he gets lazy and sometimes he walks by wrappers on the floor and doesn't pick them and he always (probably 'til the day he dies) leaves his black socks balled up next to bed... where was I going? Oh right. But honestly, I could not ask for a better man. He is the best father to Emmaline. He adores her. And she loves him. When she sees him coming in for a kiss, she just starts smiling so big. He gets excited when she learns new things. He likes seeing her in a new big girl outfit. He actually cares. I see these girls on 16 & Pregnant and I think, "How on earth do you do it?" There is no way. I need him. I do. He helps with the dishes. He helps fold laundry. Every Tuesday and Thursday while I am at school, he watches Emmaline until 4:30p completely by himself. If it weren't for him, I would have had to have dropped out of school but he is making sure I get to finish. Love him!

I think there is more I wanted to say but I am suddenly exhausted and tomorrow is going to bed a long day that starts early! Cannot wait to see my family! Happy gobble-gobble day.

day 2

Where I would Like to be in 10 Years

Hmm. Graduated? That would be nice. Hopefully that will have happened and I will be working, successfully and happily, as a high school history teacher somewhere here in Tennessee. Maybe Williamson County? Hey, a girl can dream, right?

I will be the Mommy of a 10-year old Emmaline (WHAT?!) which absolutely blows my mind. I wonder what kind of little girl she is going to be. I can't wait to discover her little personality - all her likes, dislikes, fears, dreams... And we will hopefully have more children by then, too. And maybe we will finally get a little boy on the Womac side!

I hope that Patrick has gotten his law degree (if that's still what he wants to do by then) and he is working, successfully and happily, in some law firm. I hope he's making enough money that we don't have to worry and stress about money but not so much that it becomes too important.

I hope we have a house. I want Emmaline and any future Womac babies to have a yard and a swing set and sidewalks to ride their bikes. I want them to have their own little rooms that we decorate together.

I hope we are a happy family. I hope we are busy (ballet, soccer, homework, church, t-ball, piano, etc!) but organized. I hope we laugh a lot and love even more. I hope we always make time to play with our babies. I hope Patrick and I still have our date nights and hold hands.

I hope I am better at sewing and that my kids let me do crafts with them. I hope they won't be embarrassed if Mom wants to make their Halloween costumes because I really can't see myself forking over $35 for a cheap nylon costume that will only be used one night.

I hope we are active and involved in a church. I hope they have something for all of us - a good child's department, nursery, and adult Bible study classes. Maybe they will even have little activities we can bring the kids to like movie or park outings. I so look forward to my babies coming home with their glittery messes that they made for us in Sunday School.

But more than anything else, I hope we are a family still. I hope that I have done the best I can to raise good, honest, happy children. I hope that I have done everything I can to be faithful to Patrick and serve him as a wife as best I can. I just hope there is a lot of laughing and cuddling because I could never get tired of that.

day 1

Current Relationship

Wow, what a way to start this off. This might the hardest one for me to write because I just don't even know where to start. Maybe the beginning?

Mamma always told me that I would find the perfect guy when I was least expecting it. I think most parents say something along those lines as some point. Well, as it often goes, she was right. When I started MTSU in the Spring semester of 2009, the last thing on my mind was boys. I had pretty recently gotten out of a relationship which was not only dramatic and wore me out, but it was also violent. And it's embarrassing and heart-breaking to admit but true. He also cheated on me. But I didn't realize that part until he got married 2 months after we broke up.

After that ended and I moved back to TN, I spent the whole month of December reflecting on my life. There were things about myself I was really proud of. I had moved to GA, gotten a really great job, made great money and had my own place. I paid all my own bills and was taking care of myself almost completely. But there were way more things that were hurting me, haunting me, stressing me out. I was embarrassed and mad at myself that I never finished college. I was mad I had spent so much time away from my sisters. I was horrified at what I had let happen between me and my ex-boyfriend. How did things get so bad? How did I get to a point where I let another person treat me like that?

I thank (THANK!) my parents for everything they had to do to get me into school that January. We had mere weeks to get money, applications, transcripts, phone calls, visits, etc (!!!) done to make sure I had classes I could take. And, to make things even more difficult, it was the holiday so a lot of things got put on hold simply because offices were closed. Eventually everything worked out and I was living on campus and ready to finish up this whole college thing. I was so excited to put the last two years behind me and concentrate on ME and getting my degree. I pep talked to myself extensively those first few weeks. I was going to dive into schoolwork 100% and I wasn't even going to think about boys. It honestly wasn't that hard because I was burnt out on love. I remember getting dressed that first day of classes and thinking that I honestly felt pretty for me - not for any boy.

Enter fate.

My first class on my first day of my first semester at MTSU was American Government. I got there early and I tried really hard to make friends with the people around me. (That was something I regretted about Belmont - that I never really tried hard to get to know many people.) There were some nice people and a couple quiet people. There was one weird kid who kept talking about anarchy and I made a note to not sit near him. I went in and picked out my seat and got ready to learn. And we had class. And that was it.

And I went to class every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

After a week or two, I noticed this boy who sat in front of me. He wasn't hard to miss. He had really long, curly hair and I wasn't exactly sure what style he was going for. It was odd though that he had such bad hair because he always dressed really nicely for class. That stood out to me because it was an early morning class (9:10a) and most people didn't even show up at all more or less show up in button down shirts and loafers. He didn't look nerdy - just nice. He sat in front of me and over one seat and he was constantly turning around to talk to me before class started. It was usually something stupid. Like, really stupid. I could tell he thought he was funny but it wasn't and it make me feel really awkward. But he was nice.

Lo and behold, I get a friend invite on fbook. I didn't know who it was. "Patrick Adam Womac"? I clicked on the name and the profile picture was a blown up cell phone picture (ie. highly pixelated) of some dark skinned boy standing next to a life-size lobster. What the heck? Then is dawned on me that it was the goofy boy in American Gov. "Great," I thought. "He knows my name."

So, naturally I went snooping. I found a "Note" he had written on there called "25 things" and you just had to write 25 facts about yourself. His number 7 was "I once fell through a roof and came away unscafed." I thought this was so funny so I commented on how he probably meant "unscathed" since "unscafed" is not a word. But there was something about his list that caught my eye. Maybe it was his number 25? "If gentlemen prefer blondes then I can never be a gentleman because I like brunettes best."

Anyway, he eventually fbook chatted me and we talked for a few minutes. The chat ended with him listing the 10 hottest actresses he knows. haha, I know, so endearing. Like I really wanted to hear all of that? But when he got done, he said something charming about them all having dark skin, light eyes, and brown hair and that's what he likes best. He was laying it on pretty thick. Eeek! I had to run away! NO boys, remember?

So, obviously, I invited him over to watch a movie. Haha, and he basically hasn't left since.

I don't know how this works so well or why I could have ever been so lucky. I don't know why things have succeeded amazingly well when EVERYTHING screamed, "This is a disaster waiting to happen! Leave! Run!" such as:
- He was only 19 and I was 23. Um... talk about an age gap. But not only that, a life experience gap. There were so many things I had done in life (get a job, have bank account, live on my own, vote, file my own taxes etc) that he had never done before.
- He had never had a girlfriend before. Not only was I trying to avoid boys but if I was going to make an exception, did I want to do it for someone who had NO idea what they were doing?
- I wasn't looking for a boyfriend! Not only that, I was purposely avoiding boys altogether!

But the thing about it was, we spent every waking moment together we could and most sleeping moments too. We did everything together and I never got tired of him. I never needed a break. I missed him like crazy when he had to go do other things. It wasn't an obsession thing.I got along just fine when he wasn't there. It was just that I 100% preferred that he was. And slowly, before I knew what had even happened, I fell in love with him. And he fell in love with me too.

Seeing him now, I can't imagine that I ever was alive and not his partner. I don't care if this makes me look anti-feminist or desperate or clingy or cliche... He is my other half. He makes me whole. He is my best friend before anything else and my lover right on top of that. We agree on our outlook on life: religion, family, politics, money. We have our differences in beliefs and personality but they complement each other (not compete with each other!). Being an adult and being in a relationship is never "easy" but I can honestly say that loving Patrick is never hard. I have never been in a relationship where I didn't have to fight for attention or love. We don't have to play mind or jealousy games. I don't pout when he can't read my mind and he doesn't ditch me to go hang with his buddies. We genuinely want to be with each other.

I don't know how to explain it but I know how being with him makes me feel. I feel secure, loved, taken care of, peaceful, calm, and relaxed. I'm happy. Anyone who has known me for a while knows how I can be at times. I am uptight. I am anal-retentive. I am bossy. I get stressed out easily. I get my feelings hurt easily. I am not confident. I am stubborn. Patrick has made all of those things unnecessary. I still want the house perfect but he actually helps me clean so it's not a burden on me. I am still bossy but he has helped show me that he is the man of the house and big decisions are ultimately his (because he will always make them with me and Emmaline's best interests in mind!). I am still stubborn but he is so patient and understanding. I still get stressed out but he is one of the most calming people I know. All of those things have slowly faded since being with him.

Probably the thing I love most about Patrick is how good of a Dad he is. He is amazing. He loves me and Emmaline with everything he has. He plays with her, he bathes her, he feeds her, he dresses her... everything! The first thing he said when she was born was "She's so cute!" and that absolutely melted me. When she was little, he got up with her in the middle of nights with me. If he goes somewhere, he wants me and Em to go with him. He doesn't look at her as dragging him down or keeping him from doing anything. He's crazy about her. And she loves him so much.

I know we didn't do things in necessarily the "right" order and I do wish we had so I could be a better example to my sisters and Emmaline one day. But, we are the lucky ones. We love each other, truly. We love Emmaline. We have wonderful families who support our relationship and love our daughter. And we are getting married in February! I cannot wait to call Patrick my husband. I get butterflies just imagining saying it! I don't know why God decided I was good enough to get Patrick but He gave him to me anyway and I promise to always take care of this special gift.

big.

My baby is growing and it's... good, I guess. Good in that she is learning and developing and becoming a smart little girl. But bad because it makes me a little sad to know my little baby is fading.

We took Emmaline to the park because I've been dying to get her into a swing. Patrick really dragged his feet about the whole thing because he (and I quote) "doesn't like parks." Who doesn't like parks? haha. Anyway, I talked him into it and we ended up having a really great time. The park is on the site of an old Union fort from the Civil War so in addition to the playground (and lots of other nice amenities, I might add) they have some awesome trails through the woods with signs and artifacts from the war. Um, yes! Patrick and I took Em in her stroller for a long, brisk walk and it was so much fun. Sweet baby even fell asleep during her ride.

Anyway, I got some video of Em in her first swing ride! She wasn't so sure at first but then she kinda warmed up to it.

positive.

I have been thinking a lot today about this exact day a year ago, the day we found out I was having a baby. So many things run through my head when I think about it. I think about the feelings, the fears, the hopes, the worry. A year ago today my life changed. Forever.

I know waking up that Sunday morning, September 13, 2009, neither Patrick nor I had any idea what was in store for us (for that day, and for the rest of our lives). School had just started and we were settling into our routines. For some reason, I just had this nagging feeling that I might possibly be pregnant. Patrick thought I was crazy. I wanted to go tanning but something kept telling me to find out for sure whether or not I was pregnant, just in case. Patrick thought I was being dramatic. I guess it was just my Mommy instinct.

We went to WalMart to buy a test. I remember Patrick didn't want to buy a name brand because he thought it was a waste of money. He is so cheap, haha. For me, I am not above buying generic but there are just some things I want ensured good quality: brakes, medicine, and pregnancy tests.

I took the box and went into the bathroom to take the test. Patrick warned me before I went into not to mess with him. How cruel would that be, honestly? So, I quickly read over the instructions, did the steps and waited. It didn't take more than a few seconds and the stick was already reading pregnant. Needless to say, I wasn't going tanning...

I remember being shocked. I remember walking out and having a half nervous laugh and half cry telling Patrick "I'm not joking! I'm not joking!" I remember hugging him and bursting into tears. I remember being more scared than I have ever been in my life. I remember thinking "This can't be happening" and also secretly, deep down, hoping it was happening.

It was Sunday so no doctors' offices were open. I wanted a blood test. I wanted a sonogram. I wanted a letter from my fetus with a notary signature verifying this was indeed a legit pregnancy. It didn't feel real. What does a pregnant woman feel like? I mean, granted I did look pregnant but that was completely due to over indulging on Mexican and pizza, not because I was growing a human.

On Monday, I went to the clinic on campus to have a blood test. Honestly, the people that worked in the office will never know how much they did for me that morning. They didn't judge. They didn't lecture. They didn't give knowing glances. They helped me, talked with me, and cared for me. They asked me what my plans were. I don't know?! Patrick had been waiting for me in the (appropriately titled) waiting room so I went and grabbed him. I told him on the way back to the office that it was confirmed. I was having a baby. We were having a baby.

The nurse talked with me about my medications I was currently on and whether or not they were safe. I remember going through each one and her telling me the possible side effects for a growing fetus. I lost it. It was so much responsibility already. I had only had this pregnancy confirmed five minutes before and I already loved my baby so much that the side effects she was telling me about scared me to tears. She prescribed me prenatal vitamins. She recommended an OBGYN in town she used. She hugged me and sent me on my way.

Patrick and I decided to skip Biology and we laid in my bed talking about how our lives were about to be flipped over, turned inside out and thrown for a loop. Obviously, I would be having this baby. Not doing so was never even a consideration. But what about after the baby was here? Would it be wise to raise it ourselves? Would it be selfish? Of course I wanted my baby but I had no job, no husband, no degree, and no time to fix any of that. Was I only thinking of myself when I wanted to raise it myself?

Although we talked about adoption, I think Patrick and I both knew we would always raise this baby. It was ours. We made it. At the time with everything thrown at us at once and not having a clue what we were going to do, we wanted every option discussed. Looking back now, I am sad we ever even talked about it but I know we were just being mature and looking at this from every angle trying to decide what was best.

It wasn't until September 25 that I would be able to get in and see my new OBGYN. He discussed the appointments, checked over my medicines, and went through our medical histories. He was about to leave when he asked if there was anything else we needed. I just remember looking at him and being so lost. I told him the truth: I was hoping this visit would make the baby seem more real to me. I was hoping I would feel more pregnant. I think he knew what I meant and what I needed. He squeezed me in to get an ultrasound and for that I will forever love that man!

A pretty lady came to get me and Patrick and she took us into the room to get a scan. She inserted the wand and I looked up at the monitor and I saw my baby. My baby. My child was right there swimming along, growing, beating... being. I cried. In that moment, I became a Mommy. Patrick became a man. And we became a family.

escuela.

Starting school again this fall semester has me thrown back into a place I knew very well as a girl without a child. So, naturally, I am constantly thinking about how things have changed now that I am a Mommy. And it's a little weird. It's cool... and weird.

I have a class right now in a classroom in Peck that I also had a class in last semester. In fact, it was the last classroom I was in on campus the day my water broke, literally the last class I took before I became a legit Mom. Patrick teases me because he clearly doesn't get the significance of this, haha. He likes to tell me, "It's not like your water broke IN that classroom." But it's all very symbolic to me. The last time I sat in that seat I wasn't a Mommy. Today, I am.

It's funny because I am such a nerd when it comes to school. I live for school supplies. Ask anyone. The stationery aisle is by far my favorite. I drool in a Staples. I plan my First-Day-of-School-Outfit for weeks. The night before, I lovingly and oh, so carefully pack my backpack with all my shiny new supplies. I make my lunch. I set out my carefully selected outfit. The morning of I am a nervous ball of anticipation. Who will my teachers be? Who will be in my classes? What kinds of books will we read?

This year there was none of that. I can't even remember what I wore. It possible was jeans and an MTSU t-shirt. Granted, I was still stoked about the school supply aisle but I just grabbed one 5-subject notebook since I am going to be on campus all day and have classes back to back. I didn't want to be lugging around a bunch of junk. I didn't take any pictures of myself. I didn't really care who I sat next to in my classes. All I could think about was 1] how damn tired I was and 2] how much I missed my baby girl and Patrick.

I admit it; I was the annoying Mom. I took any chance I could to tell people about my girl. I mean, obviously they wanted to see pictures, right? In my first class we had to play this lame get-to-know-you game. Gosh, how I loathe get-to-know-you games. This one was a sheet of statements like "I have a pet" or "I can speak more than one language" and you had to go around the room and find people who those statements were true about and get them to sign their name. I was just beside myself with pride when I got to sign my name next to "I have a child" on people's papers.

By the way, I won the game.

I was proud of myself though. I didn't cry when I left and I didn't shed a tear the whole day, not even when I called Patrick to see how things were going and I could hear her talking in the background. Ok, ok, I admit it. I melted when I came home and saw her for the first time that day. Yeah, I cried. It was the longest I had been away from my baby since right after she was born and they took her away for three hours.

And I was proud of my Patrick. Not much of what we are doing is easy right now. We have crammed all our classes into 2 or 3 days and staggered it so one of us is always home with the baby. We were really trying our best to avoid daycare because I just don't think we could swing it financially. But really, how many 20-year old guys are willing to be stay-at-home daddies 2 days a week? And not only willing, but good at it?

Not just good... great.

Whenever I tell people about our little plan for this semester and that she's home with him all day while I'm at school, they always kinda stop suddenly and get real serious and ask, "Oh, is he a good Dad?" which I find remarkably hilarious.

"No, he's really terrible with her. Sometimes he forgets her places and doesn't feed her. But I still leave her with him."

Obviously he's a good Daddy!

But our first week went well, without a hitch really and I am hoping this week goes well too. I just wish I was a coffee drinker because, man, I can't keep drinking all these Pepsi's for the caffeine or I will start to look like I am pregnant again very soon...

summer.

Family life has become so much more enjoyable as of late.

I mean, I have always loved my little family. But lately, things have gotten so much easier and funner. Emmaline loves to play and talk and smile. We just play with her for hours a day. I love trying to find new things she likes to do and new ways to make her smile. I am on a daily mission to make her laugh too!

She had her best hearty, belly laugh the other day at Hobby Lobby. My Mom was holding her so she was facing outward toward me and Patrick and out of nowhere she just starts laughing. It was so unbelievably cute. Melted me.

I am so nervous about next week. Patrick and I start school and I don't know how things are going to end up working out. I mean, I know they will. It's just going to be a big adjustment. I will be going all day Tuesdays and Thursdays (and I do mean ALL day. I am going to five classes back-to-back with no breaks in between at all.) Patrick is going all day Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. I am so thankful that we were able to scatter our schedule so that one of us will always be with Emmaline. I don't what I would do otherwise, really.

Patrick will also be working 20 hours a week so he really won't be home a lot. I worry about him stretching himself too thin but he says he can handle it. He is so smart and he really never gets stressed out.

Me on the other hand... haha. I know I will have to stay on myself to keep up with schoolwork and constantly remind myself to just focus on school and Emmaline and Patrick and let everything else fall by the wayside. I won't have time to worry or fret!

So, here's to our last week of freedom and being able to spend every day together. I am going to miss being home with Patty and Emmaline and having them all to myself.

delivery.

So my IV had been started and I was receiving Pitocin to get the contractions moving to speed up the labor. Once your water has broken, labor really needs to move along and you should have the baby within 24 hours for safety. Towards the end of your pregnancy, your OB will perform a strep test in the office to see if you are negative or positive. It doesn't hurt the Mom to be positive but it can harm your newborn during birth so if they find out you are positive, they know to give you some antibiotics during labor later on. Problem was, I only had my test done the day before at my doctor's office and they didn't know the results so I was going to have to be given the antibiotic anyway to be safe. I was fine with that but man did it hurt! I could feel the medicine going through my hand and up my arm.

By this time, the phone calls had been made. My Dad and Patrick's parents were going to come in the morning once they had gotten some sleep. These things can take a lot of time and there was no sense in having everyone rush out in the middle of the night. My brother had been planning on coming to see me and Patrick the following day already for a huge wing festival at my school. $8 to charity and you got a field of all-you-can-eat wings. I guess we wouldn't be going after all; so much for the 4 tickets we'd already bought! Patrick and I had joked that as long as she waited until after the wings, we would be fine with whatever day she ended up coming. We called him to let him know I was in labor but he kindly informed us that he would have to wait until the morning to come see us. Seems he had a few drinks he needed to sleep off. Boys...

Next on the list was to let my best friend, Emily, know what was happening. She has been my friend since 5th grade and I love her and her whole family dearly. She actually scanned me in December and that's how we found out I was having a girl. It was such a special moment having someone who loves me and my little family so much telling us that important news!

"Text Emily! I know it's late but I am sure she's still up. I don't think she'd be mad if we woke her up anyway..." I ordered Patrick. He texted her to let her know what was happening and she immediately responded. Before he could even type out an answer to her, she called. Guess he was too slow for her! Just as I had suspected, she was still up. She offered to come out but I didn't want her trekking all the way out there in the middle of the night just to sit there but she let us know it was no problem; all she was doing was making barbeque sauce anyway. Gotta love her!

I had Patrick e-mail my professors to let them know I was having my baby. We still had three weeks left of classes and then finals! Obviously, I was infinitely more concerned with what was happening in that room but I'd be lying if I said finishing school wasn't ever on my mind at any point.

By now, my Mom and sisters had arrived. My 16-year old sister who had just gotten her license the day before had driven them all there. Why would my Mom let my newly licensed sister drive them all an hour and half, in the middle of the night, you ask? Because my mother had taken her sleeping medicine right before I called her about my water breaking. It was seriously like a movie. They had rolled a cot in for Patrick to attempt to sleep some that night but the poor guy had to share it with my Mom and two sisters. Yes, four people were crammed on a twin sized, roll in, fold up, hospital issued cot. Emily sat beside my bed in a chair and read and handed me ice chips and chap stick whenever I needed them.

The Pitocin was definitely working by this point. I would be talking to someone and just have to take a small break, breathe, and it would be fine. They started to get more and more powerful and painful. I looked up at the monitor. The line measuring the strength of my contractions was barely rising. I couldn't believe it. I mean, they really hurt and they were barely a blip on the screen. The nurse came in to check on me and noticed that my monitoring contraption had slipped off. As soon as she readjusted it, the screen started showing those glorious mountains of contraction strength. Whew... I wasn't as big of a wimp as I thought I was!

I had already decided I wanted an epidural as soon as it was deemed safe. I am no hero. I know it's a very personal choice that a lot of women put much thought into. But for me and my delivery, an epidural is the way I wanted to go. About the time the contractions started getting pretty powerful, my nurse came in to let me know I was far enough along to get my epidural. I felt I could handle the contractions for a little while longer, though. I didn't really know what to do. They weren't excruciating by any means but I also didn't think it made much sense to feel any pain at all if I was able to get medicine to alleviate it. I decided to wait it out a little while longer.

I am not sure how much time passed, maybe an hour, maybe longer. But I sent Patrick to let the nurse know I was ready. I was so nervous about the epidural but by this point I was getting pretty uncomfortable. The anesthesiologist came in and read me the list of everything that could go wrong: stroke, paralysis, death. I scribbled my signature. I was willing to take the chance. He made me feel better, however, by saying he had been doing this a long time and none of those things had ever happened. As he rolled in his cart and began to set things up, I was in much more pain. The nurse came in and walked me through everything that was going on. Patrick held my hand. I had to sit up (ouch!), hold still (more ouch!), and relax as he poked, prodded and paralyze me from the waist down. That was probably the hardest part - trying to hold still as I was simultaneously going through a contraction and being shot in the back with medicine.

After my epidural, the labor was much calmer. I settled back and tried to rest. They dimmed the lights and everyone fell asleep. It was weird to me as I sat there how peaceful everything was. Was I really about to have this baby? The sereneness of that early morning combined with the fact that she wasn't technically supposed to be here for over another month made me feel like this wasn't really happening. Wasn't I supposed to be screaming and crying and sweating and cursing? I felt fine. I felt good.

The nurse came in and measured me. I was progressing very quickly. We called my Dad to let him know he needed to come now. Before I knew it, he was in the room sitting beside my bed. Everyone else was asleep and it was just me and my Daddy talking quietly in that dim room. I don't remember what we talked about really but I remember thinking how happy I was he stayed awake with me.

I noticed my left side was regaining more feeling and I could completely feel my left leg at this point. I had Patrick go get the nurse so I could see what needed to happen. More medicine perhaps? She came in and told me to try and roll towards my left side as the epidural works with gravity. If that didn't work, she would get me some more medicine. While she was there, she decided to go ahead and measure me. My Dad left and everyone else just averted their eyes. They were fast asleep anyway. Much to my surprise, she let me know the baby was ready to come! I couldn't believe it. I was already at 10 cm and she could feel Emmaline's hair. This was it! No time for more medicine!

Immediately I got scared. Now? Now?! She's coming NOW?! But I wasn't prepared! We didn't have a pediatrician picked out yet. Her nursery wasn't finished! We hadn't had our baby shower! And Patrick and I weren't supposed to start our birthing classes until that following Monday!

Again, Patrick allayed all my fears. He held me. He soothed me. He said everything I needed to hear. I could tell he was excited. For the delivery, we wanted it to be just me and Patrick so my family and Emily gathered all their things and headed out to the waiting room.

While we were waiting for the nurse, I realized I could feel Emmaline. The epidural was definitely wearing off and I knew her head was right there. I got nauseated and had to throw up. I was scared the flexing needed to vomit would make her come out. I puked and immediately felt better. The nurse came in and let me know they had paged the doctor and they began to set up the room for a delivery.

Once everything was set, she walked Patrick and me through how it worked. She pulled a mirror over and let me have two practice pushes. Emmaline's head was right there.

"Ok, maybe we better stop pushing until the doctor gets here," she said. I could tell she was surprised how easily and quickly Emmaline was coming. I knew I was! I tried to explain it later to my Mom but the right words never came. Delivering Emmaline was the weirdest experience. I felt like I had done it before. I knew exactly where and how to push. It was definitely a surreal moment. I chalk that up to God giving women an innate knowledge of how to deliver a baby. He prepares us in ways we don't even know.

Just a few moments before 8a, my doctor finally arrived. I was just sitting there holding back the urge to push and begging him in my mind to hurry up! He walked in and began to dress. "Where are my shoe coverings?" he asked the nurse. She had to go get some for him. I wanted to shout, "Are you guys really serious? I will buy you a new pair of shoes! Just get over here so I can get this baby out of me!"

She finally came back with some and we were set to go. He sat down at the base of my bed and told me to wait until the next contraction and to push with everything I had. The contraction came and I pushed with every fiber, nerve, and cell in my body and she plopped out!

At 8:01a on Saturday April 10, 2010 my girl was born.

"She's here!" I yelled.

"She's so cute!" Patrick said.

NICU had set up a station to look at her immediately since she was early. I kept asking if she was OK. She wasn't making any sounds.

"She looks great so far," they told me. I looked over at the bassinet they were examining her in and all I could see were these big beautiful eyes staring back at us. She was too busy being nosey and taking in this new world to cry!

They wrapped her up and put her in my arms. My baby! She was perfect. I didn't need any NICU nurses to tell me that. Thankfully one of the nurses reminded Patrick we had the camera and told him to take some pictures. I don't think either one of us would have remembered. He got some wonderful shots of my first moments with her. And then they took a picture of the three of us. My family!

All too soon they let me know they needed to take her to clean her up and observe her. I told Patrick I would be fine and to go with her. He brought her out and showed her to my family. I wish I could have seen their faces when they first saw her. And then she had to go into the Well Baby nursery to be checked out.

"When can I see her again?" I asked. They told me it usually took about 3 hours for NICU and a pediatrician to examine the early babies. THREE HOURS? I was crushed. But I knew it was necessary to make sure she was healthy and safe.

After three hours, I was in the recovery room waiting patiently for my bundle. When they finally wheeled her in, I thought I was just going to burst. I was beside myself at getting to see her again. She was all clean and starting to get color in her skin. She was gorgeous, just the most perfectly beautiful little girl I had ever seen. She was so alert too. I couldn't stop crying. My girl was here!

labor.

It all started on Friday April 9, 2010.

It began like any normal Friday had that whole semester. Patrick had class at 9a and, although I didn't have a class until 10a, I got up early at 7:30a and made cinnamon rolls... our Friday tradition.

Sometimes I went back to bed and slept until my physical science class. And, I'll be honest and admit that sometimes I went back to bed and slept through my physical science class. But I was a good girl and got up, dressed, and went to school. I even stayed for my next class, World Civilizations I. Go me.

Patrick and I both ended our Fridays at the same time so he met me at my last class. I had gotten out kind of early so I was just resting on a bench. I was still cramping like I had been all week. Were these the elusive Braxton-Hicks I had been waiting for? On Monday I had sat out on the couch for about an hour while I cramped up. I couldn't tell if it was a tummy ache or practice contractions. I secretly hoped they were contractions. Today was the same. Honestly, it felt like I needed to poop.

So, Patrick and I met at home and had lunch. I had been itching all day to get some work done around the apartment and had made an extensive to-do list. This included moving some furniture around the house, cleaning the bathrooms, laundry, doing some things in Emmaline's nursery, Mr. Clean Magic Eraser-ing the walls, etc. Patrick was such a good sport. He just did whatever I asked of him and he did it joyfully.

We had some errands to run around town so after we worked for a few hours and I sufficiently wore myself out, we set out to get some more things done. We went to TJMaxx and Target to look for some silver sandals to go with my dress I wanted to wear the next week to my baby shower. We went to WalMart and bought a few things we needed for dinner. Then we came home.

For dinner I cooked Steak-Um sandwiches and my homemade baked macaroni and cheese. It was good even though Patrick whined about the meat. I never alleged they were fancy, honey! ha.

By time dinner was done and cleaned up, it was getting late. On Fridays, Patrick worked at midnight until 2am so he usually liked to nap for a couple of hours late in the evening. Around 10p he went into the bedroom to attempt to nap and I went to the bathroom to attempt to shower.

I got completely undressed and got everything ready to hop into the shower. I decided to pee real quick because it never fails the second I step into the shower I have to go. After I peed, I stood up and stepped onto the towel we put at the base of the shower. I felt something warm run down my leg.

Ugh, did I really just pee on myself? This pregnancy thing is getting out of control...

Then my stomach sank. Is my water breaking, I wondered.

Half of me instantly became excited. My baby could be on her way!

The other half of me was horrified. I was only 34 weeks and 5 days.

I yelled for poor Patrick who was trying to get some shut eye. "I don't know if it is pee or what but I think my water broke." He, of course, ran into the bathroom to see me standing there naked on a towel, scared out of my mind. I wanted to call my Mom. It was late, but she thankfully answered. She talked me through it, including advising me to smell the towel and see if smelled like urine or sweet like amniotic fluid.

I smelled fabric sheets.

While I was on the phone with her, Patrick was aimlessly thumbing through my What to Expect When You're Expecting looking for that magical page that would give us the answers. He couldn't find much more information than what my Mom had just told me and what I had memorized months before.

I decided it would be wise to not shower just in case "more" came out. Patrick advised me to get dressed and come lay down in bed and relax. He went back into our room and tried once again to nap. As I went to get dressed, "more" did come out, little gushes of clear fluid.

"Patrick, it's happening again. And I know I am not peeing!"

So he came in and (this might be embarrassing to him) picked up the towel and smelled it. It was so frustrating to just smell that stupid lavender fabric sheet!

We decided we better go to the hospital, just to be sure. I had one thing to do before we left though.

I had to shave my legs.

I might not have been able to get a shower in, but if I was going to have this baby, I was going to have smooth legs!

So, Patrick let me shave my legs in the sink really quickly and we got all our bags together and called my family. Luckily, the drive to the hospital was only about 3 1/2 minutes. Patrick dropped me off at the ER entrance (protocol for after hours) so he could go park the car and I waddled to the front desk.

"Can I help you?" he asked me.

"Um, hi. I don't know if I pissed myself or if I'm having a baby," is what I was thinking but I managed to mumble out, "I think my water broke."

He directed me where to go down the hall and I told him to be on the lookout for Patrick who would be following behind me shortly.

The next few minutes were spent reuniting with Patrick, getting my paperwork pulled up, our bracelets put on, and trying to hold back the tears of nervousness as it hit me that something really could be wrong.

As the nurse came to get me with a wheelchair to take me upstairs to get checked, I began to cry. I told her I was embarrassed but I didn't know if my water had broken or if I had just peed myself. "I'm only 34 weeks and 5 days," I shakily told her.

"Oh well let's hope for the baby's sake its just pee because we really don't like to see them this early!" she told me.

Really? Did you just say that to me as I sit here in soaking underwear?

Her sentence reverberated in my head all the way up to Labor and Delivery Room 5. Once she got me in there, she told me to get undressed, put on the gown and someone would be in to check me soon. She closed the door behind her and I lost it.

I just started bawling in Patrick's chest. I had read enough to know 5 weeks is a lot of time in baby-making world. She could be very sick if she came out tonight. Patrick, as always, was 100% calm and supportive. He held me, let me cry, and told me everything would be OK.

The nurse came in and measured me. It hurt so bad. I was 3 1/2 cm!

She had brought some test strips in with her to see if my water had indeed broke. They were supposed to turn a bright blue if my water had broken.

They didn't. I was crushed.

She did one more test to be sure but this one had to be sent to the lab and would take a few minutes. She measured again and said she really felt like my water had broke.

Ten minutes later she was hooking me up to an IV and starting Pitocin. Turns out, my water had broken, and Emmaline was coming.

I kept asking, "Is she going to be OK? What's going to happen?" But of course no one could answer any of those questions. We wouldn't know what the situation would be until she got here.

We called my Mom and let her know that YES, I was indeed in labor. She and my sisters were on their way.

And so was my baby!

..to be continued...

cuatro.

So it's been a few days since I've updated. Sue me.

Actually don't. Well, you can if you want but you wouldn't win anything. Dirty laundry maybe?

We have been at Nana's house for a few days so Patrick can put a new roof up on their house. He is so handy. Seriously. And such a hard worker. Emmaline and I are lucky to have him.

In the few days we've been here, I can already see how much Emmaline has changed. It's borderline ridiculous how much she changes in a day. I mean, it's to the point where I can notice her changing from the night before. Crazy.

Her head is getting bigger. Her thighs are filling out (new folds!). She holds her head up perfectly. She is recognizing that being placed in her bouncer = more time until she is fed because Mommy still has to go make the bottle. And this very much makes her an angry baby. And more and more, I see that she is understanding what's going on around her.

Yesterday as I was sitting in Papa Mark's big recliner rocking the baby, she just stared at me. And I mean, she is a nosey little thing. She has been staring at us since she was born. But this was different. It was like she was actually taking in my face. She was following the frame of my face, looking at all the pieces, grasping that this is Mommy. This belongs to her.

Then she reached up and grabbed my chin. I don't know what makes me believe this, because it's not like this is the first time she's touched me. But I just know she was making the connection between what she was seeing and what she was feeling. She rubbed my lips, touched my nose and I proceeded to melt.

Emmaline is four months old today and at the risk of sounding like a big cliched doofus, I can't grasp that. She has been with us 122 days. But of course, I can't remember a moment in my life before she was here. I think being a Mommy means your children were always a part of you.

ouchies.

Well, I am thankfully able to write a coherent and pain-free sentence today after suffering from a headache and then migraine for the past two days. It started Tuesday night, just a run of the mill headache, the kind I get just about every other day. Unfortunately, Patrick had the worst shift ever, 11p to 5a, so I just had to suck it up and take care of Miss Emmaline that afternoon (so he could nap) and that evening/early morning.

It really wasn't too terrible. She was very good for me and we just spent some Mommy-Daughter time together without our stinky Daddy :) By time Patrick got home a little after 5am, I was just finished feeding the baby, pumping, and washing all the bottles and supplies. We talked for a few minutes and then went to sleep. By 7am when Emmaline woke up again, I had planned on getting up with her so Patrick could catch up on some sleep, but when I woke up my head was pounding. I'm sure Patrick was thinking, "Yeah, right..." when I said I hurt too bad to get her but he (like a champ) got her anyway while I sat and suffered. And suffered...

For those of you who get the occasional (or, like my Dad, NEVER) headache, you have no idea how excruciating a migraine is. And for those of you who do know, I am so, so sorry. You have the worst, worst headache you can imagine. You are sensitive to light and sound so miniscule it's ridiculous. I have to turn my phone and monitor around because those tiny green status lights make my stomach churn. You are sweating like you just ran a marathon and have chills. And the worst part... the vomiting. I hadn't thrown up since right before I delivered Emmaline (literally, right before. I was afraid to vomit because I thought flexing my stomach muscles to do it would push her out!).

After an hour of this, I called Patrick in and begged him to go searching through our medicine container to find something, anything, to give me. Luckily, after I had the baby, I had a prescription for Lortab filled that I never used. He gave me two and for that I will forever be grateful.

So, naturally after this I was zonked. I slept until 1p which was amazing but once I was awake, I felt awful that poor Patrick had been up all night, barely slept 2 hours, and then had to be up with the baby again. But honestly, what was I supposed to do? and what if Patrick hadn't been there? There is literally no way I could have cared for Emmaline. I guess I would have had to call my Dad or someone to come over and help.

Anyway, I let Patrick take a much-needed and much-deserved nap when I got up. After a couple of hours, he asked if he could go look at a potential motorcycle purchase a friend was interested in. I think it's so cute he asks me :) Of course I was going to let him! He saved my life that morning, haha. As luck would have it, about 20 minutes after he left I started to feel awful again. The next two hours were just a mixture of feeding and changing her, and letting Elmo help out in between. Thank God for Elmo and an oddly attentive 3 1/2 month old. When Patrick got home, I popped another Lortab and just tried to finish out the night.

I love, love, love Patrick, Lortab, and Elmo.