honesty.

Yesterday I had a mini, 5-minute breakdown.

It has crossed my mind before and people have jokingly brought it up, too. But yesterday it really hit me how much things have changed.

Patrick and I were planning to come to his parents' house for the holiday weekend. We decided to come a few days early to help get things ready because a lot of family will be here this weekend (upwards of 16-ish people!). Patrick and I kind of discussed when we'd like to leave by and I got up to start the packing process.

And that's when it hit me -- like a ton of bricks -- what a process this really is. An ordeal. A big todo.

I would have to make sure every single thing of Emmaline's is cleaned. Granted, the girl has a lot of clothes, but not enough that we can get by for five days (or even two) without repeating her clothes. And, yes, we can do laundry here. But still she only has so many bibs, burp clothes, and blankets because those things all get spit up on and I will not reuse something with baby goo on it. (That's not fair to Emmaline. Just because she can't tell the difference doesn't mean she should have to sit and sleep in gross stuff).

Then I have to clean all her bottles. But keep in mind, she still has to eat while we're getting all this stuff ready. So, inevitably there will be last-minute bottle cleaning and packing.

I have to get all her "gear" packed -- the things we've grown accustomed to using, the things she likes, the things her Nana wants to see her play with, etc. So that means packing up: pacifiers, diapers, wipes, blankets (for swaddling, cuddling, and tummy time), bumpo chair, pack 'n' play, diaper bags... Am I forgetting anything? Probably.

Oh, and although I pump milk for her, we also supplement some bottles with formula (lately) so that 1] my milk will go farther and I can freeze some for once I stop pumping in August, 2] she stays fuller a little longer and 3] we could practice and find a formula she likes before she has to be on it. So I need to make sure we bring formula for Nana's and for the road. But of course we are about out. So once we get to Nana's I will have to make a trip to WalMart.

Now, we are almost ready to go. Since we will be in the car for roughly 4 hours, I need to pump now so I will be good the whole car ride. (I try to pump every 4 to 5 hours.)So I get all my pumping done which takes about 20 minutes. And then I need to wash all of my pumping pieces and bag the milk. Now that it's all clean, I can finally pack all my pumping pieces (pump, shields, bottles, hoses, attachment, bags, breast pads, and sharpie to write dates/times/amounts).

And now Emmaline is ready to eat. So this requires stopping to make a bottle, feed her, burp her, change her diaper (and likely her spit up on outfit)and put her back in the carseat to go. Oh, and now I have to clean her bottle and re-pack it.

Are we finally ready to go? No, we need to pack our things. This means hastily throwing the first 2 pairs of shorts and 5 t-shirts we find into a duffel bag and grabbing our toothbrushes. Because honestly, I can't fit into any of my cute clothes anyway so there's no point in working out "oufits" or really putting much effort into it.

As we are just about ready to go now, we can get the milk ready. We have to get all my bags of milk and freezer packs to keep them chilled.

Now we can go. And, of course, Emmaline is quiet and content in the car... for about 5 minutes. Then she starts cooing. And then whining. And then crying. So, I climb in the backseat and play with her and talk to her until she falls asleep. And if you know me at all, you know how I loathe the backseat, just despise sitting back there. Aaron and I would fight literally every time we went somewhere as children over who got to sit in the front seat and, I'm a little embarrassed to admit, Mom usually let me have it. I think this is because she'd rather jip Aaron than listen to me whine the whole time.

The rest of the trip is a balance of trying to be comfortable and still a "normal" person (i.e. talk to my fiance at some point during a 3 hour car ride) with not disturbing an almost asleep baby so she's not screaming.

Are you exhausted just from reading this? Whew.

I knew this was how it was going to be. It's like this every weekend we try and go home to one of our parents' houses. We want to get out and do things. We want to be normal, social people. We want people to see Emmaline. But it is so hard to do things with her.

And I'm going to be honest... I hate it. I'm a little tired of it. I wish it were easier. This is why I had a mini, 5-minute breakdown.

I remember one time last year when Patrick's Mom called him and said she would be starting dialysis. He was really worried about her. It was about 2 in the morning and we were still up hanging out and he said he really wanted to be there the next morning for her when she went for her first time. So, we just looked at each other and I said, "Let's go!" We packed up some clothes in a bag, grabbed a Red Bull, and we were on the road. Just like that...

Now, a trip (even to the grocery store!) requires planning, logistics. We have to work around Emmaline's schedule. We have to weigh whether stopping to pee is worth the possibilty it will wake the baby up. We can't stop for a impromptu mall trip on the way.

I am not saying I would give up Emmaline for any of that stuff. She's my everything. She's perfect. I'm just saying I had to stop and cry for a couple of minutes yesterday and get things off my chest to Patrick.

But we're here now and my angel is peacefully sleeping in her pack 'n' play and she has a happy Nana who is getting to hold her and love on her. And I am grateful for not only my sweet baby girl but also for my wonderful partner in crime who lets me have my mini, 5-minute breakdowns whenever I need them.