life.

I know this is much, much heavier than any post I have ever written. But for some reason, I just feel compelled to write about this. It's something that is currently bothering me, has bothered me for some time, and writing generally has a way of sorting my feelings out for me and helping me feel a little better when I'm upset.

I am currently in a Women and the Law class which, unbeknownst to me when I signed up for it, is really a lot like a feminist class. It's ok though because it is my first political science class that has really dealt with specific laws, cases, and rulings. I like being presented a case, real or fictional, and deciding what the Supreme Court did or should have decided. It's fun to me to try and figure out what parts of a case are important and how to best apply a law.

Sometimes, though, it can get annoying when the ardent feminists in the class spout off about how some situation is "evidence of a patriarchal society" or how men won't be happy until we're all pregnant, uneducated and stuck at home, or some other nonsense. I do get where they are coming from. I mean, women were the last group of people in America to be given citizenship status and the right to vote. Think about it; black people, who at one point weren't even considered human but rather property, were given the right to vote a full 60 years before women. The Supreme Court of the United States actually had rulings that stated blacks could not be considered "free" if they had lived in a free state and then moved to a slave state because they were property and property could not have rights! Seriously! And they were eventually given many rights before women. So, yes, I do think women have been greatly disenfranchised throughout our history. But I am also the type of woman who is not unhappy about staying home and keeping a house while my husband provides for us. This doesn't bother me. I'm not against my chair being pulled out or the door being held open for me.

To each their own. Feminism, to me, is having the right and ability to choose what works best for you as a woman.

Anyway, I promise I am getting to my point...

I am tired of being pulled into a movement I do not stand for. I am tired of being spoken for when I have my own voice and my own opinion on the matter. I am talking about abortion and how this, somehow, has been twisted in a "women's rights" issue. I know that if someone is pro-choice, there is very little, if anything, I could say to change their mind or sway their opinion. I wish I could say I didn't care but that just isn't so. I deeply, deeply wish I could find a way to change people's hearts and get them to understand the issue the way I do. It is to a point where I feel physical pain thinking about this cause. It literally hurts me. I think the worst part about the whole thing is each side so passionately believes that he is right and correct. It is damn near impossible for me to even try and get my mind to attempt to rationalize abortion. Sometimes the best way to speak to someone is to imagine yourself as them - get into their frame of mind. I just literally cannot even try to understand how a person could be ok with abortion. I can't understand. It's like when you try to imagine what could motivate someone to molest a child or commit cannibalism; it is so far removed from anything I feel, think, or believe that I cannot switch gears.

I know essentially the issue at hand is whether one believes life begins at conception, birth, or somewhere in between. If this could be established, it would not matter what type of rights a woman believes she has because we could say, "Sorry, too bad. It's a human already." Women's rights would be null, void, inconsequential. But for some reason, with all the technology, brain power, reason, and understanding we have, we cannot come up with a definition for life that we all agree on. Laughable. This is, again, where I struggle to even comprehend my opponents' views. I have always considered life as originating at conception. This was only further validated upon becoming pregnant and successfully carrying and delivering a beautiful baby girl. I was not but 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant when I first saw my baby on a scan (of which 2 weeks the embryo was not even present in the womb yet; the intricacies of calculating a pregnancy). So, my baby had been in my womb for a mere (and approximate) 4 weeks and 5 days. I saw her heartbeat. Can you grasp that? I saw her (a human!) heart (a vital organ for living!) beat (it's working and functioning!).

There are different types of abortions that can be performed. One such type is called an aspiration. It can be performed up until week 16 of the pregnancy. I had an ultrasound scan in week 16 of my pregnancy performed by my best friend. I was lucky, because without her scanning me, I would have had to have waited another month to find out the sex of my baby. During my hour and a half scan, my best friend spent the entire time analyzing every part of my baby you could think of. We counted her toes and her fingers. We followed the arteries in her heart and looked at her spinal cord and where it met the brain. She looked at openings in the baby's brain and whether there was liquid in the bladder. And when I went home that night, Patrick and I felt our sweet baby girl move. If I had wanted to, for any reason (or no reason at all) I could have ended it right then... all in the name of "women's' rights."

My baby, by the way, is a girl. Should I have decided on abortion, what does this say about her rights as a future woman?

I sincerely do not want to offend anyone and I certainly don't want to argue with anyone. I am not so shallow as to think most women go into this decision flippantly and without pain (though too many do). I guess my heart is just torn at what this means for me. I chose to have my baby. But what about all the other children out there who weren't so lucky to have a Mom who could, or would, choose to give birth to them? What can I do to change this? How can I help? How can I make a difference? How can I appease and pacify the hurt this causes to so many people?

positive.

I have been thinking a lot today about this exact day a year ago, the day we found out I was having a baby. So many things run through my head when I think about it. I think about the feelings, the fears, the hopes, the worry. A year ago today my life changed. Forever.

I know waking up that Sunday morning, September 13, 2009, neither Patrick nor I had any idea what was in store for us (for that day, and for the rest of our lives). School had just started and we were settling into our routines. For some reason, I just had this nagging feeling that I might possibly be pregnant. Patrick thought I was crazy. I wanted to go tanning but something kept telling me to find out for sure whether or not I was pregnant, just in case. Patrick thought I was being dramatic. I guess it was just my Mommy instinct.

We went to WalMart to buy a test. I remember Patrick didn't want to buy a name brand because he thought it was a waste of money. He is so cheap, haha. For me, I am not above buying generic but there are just some things I want ensured good quality: brakes, medicine, and pregnancy tests.

I took the box and went into the bathroom to take the test. Patrick warned me before I went into not to mess with him. How cruel would that be, honestly? So, I quickly read over the instructions, did the steps and waited. It didn't take more than a few seconds and the stick was already reading pregnant. Needless to say, I wasn't going tanning...

I remember being shocked. I remember walking out and having a half nervous laugh and half cry telling Patrick "I'm not joking! I'm not joking!" I remember hugging him and bursting into tears. I remember being more scared than I have ever been in my life. I remember thinking "This can't be happening" and also secretly, deep down, hoping it was happening.

It was Sunday so no doctors' offices were open. I wanted a blood test. I wanted a sonogram. I wanted a letter from my fetus with a notary signature verifying this was indeed a legit pregnancy. It didn't feel real. What does a pregnant woman feel like? I mean, granted I did look pregnant but that was completely due to over indulging on Mexican and pizza, not because I was growing a human.

On Monday, I went to the clinic on campus to have a blood test. Honestly, the people that worked in the office will never know how much they did for me that morning. They didn't judge. They didn't lecture. They didn't give knowing glances. They helped me, talked with me, and cared for me. They asked me what my plans were. I don't know?! Patrick had been waiting for me in the (appropriately titled) waiting room so I went and grabbed him. I told him on the way back to the office that it was confirmed. I was having a baby. We were having a baby.

The nurse talked with me about my medications I was currently on and whether or not they were safe. I remember going through each one and her telling me the possible side effects for a growing fetus. I lost it. It was so much responsibility already. I had only had this pregnancy confirmed five minutes before and I already loved my baby so much that the side effects she was telling me about scared me to tears. She prescribed me prenatal vitamins. She recommended an OBGYN in town she used. She hugged me and sent me on my way.

Patrick and I decided to skip Biology and we laid in my bed talking about how our lives were about to be flipped over, turned inside out and thrown for a loop. Obviously, I would be having this baby. Not doing so was never even a consideration. But what about after the baby was here? Would it be wise to raise it ourselves? Would it be selfish? Of course I wanted my baby but I had no job, no husband, no degree, and no time to fix any of that. Was I only thinking of myself when I wanted to raise it myself?

Although we talked about adoption, I think Patrick and I both knew we would always raise this baby. It was ours. We made it. At the time with everything thrown at us at once and not having a clue what we were going to do, we wanted every option discussed. Looking back now, I am sad we ever even talked about it but I know we were just being mature and looking at this from every angle trying to decide what was best.

It wasn't until September 25 that I would be able to get in and see my new OBGYN. He discussed the appointments, checked over my medicines, and went through our medical histories. He was about to leave when he asked if there was anything else we needed. I just remember looking at him and being so lost. I told him the truth: I was hoping this visit would make the baby seem more real to me. I was hoping I would feel more pregnant. I think he knew what I meant and what I needed. He squeezed me in to get an ultrasound and for that I will forever love that man!

A pretty lady came to get me and Patrick and she took us into the room to get a scan. She inserted the wand and I looked up at the monitor and I saw my baby. My baby. My child was right there swimming along, growing, beating... being. I cried. In that moment, I became a Mommy. Patrick became a man. And we became a family.